Planning a wedding should be one of the most joyful collaborations between two people in love. But what happens when your partner’s mother seems to be calling all the shots—from the venue to the entertainment—and you’re left wondering if you’re just footing the bill for someone else’s dream?
Let’s talk about it. Because this isn’t just about a boere orkes or a venue you didn’t choose. It’s about voice, partnership, and the delicate dance of family expectations.
“My fiancée just called to say her mother is arranging a band for our wedding. I didn’t ask for one. I didn’t even know we were booking entertainment yet.”
Sound familiar? Whether it’s a brass band, a vintage car, or a venue with sentimental value to someone else, unsolicited decisions can feel like emotional landmines. Especially when you’re the one paying for most of it.
But before you throw anyone over your shoulder and march them to Department of Home Affairs (tempting as that may be), here’s how to reclaim your voice with empathy and clarity.
It’s easy to feel like the villain when you push back against a mother-in-law’s enthusiasm. But this isn’t about rejecting her—it’s about protecting the integrity of your shared vision.
Try this:
“I love that your mom is excited, but I’d really like us to make these decisions together. Can we pause on bookings until we’ve both had a chance to explore options?”
This shifts the focus from confrontation to collaboration.
Your fiancée may be caught between loyalty to mom and their commitment to you. That’s not easy. But silence or passive agreement won’t solve it.
Be honest, not accusatory:
“I feel like I’m being sidelined in decisions that affect both of us. I want this day to reflect us, not just what others want. Can we talk about how we make choices together?”
Use “I feel” statements to avoid blame and invite dialogue.
You’re paying for the wedding. That doesn’t mean you get to dictate—but it does mean you deserve a seat at the table.
Before any deposits are made, agree on a decision-making process:
Who chooses vendors?
What’s the budget breakdown?
What traditions matter to each of you?
If you’re footing the bill, transparency and mutual respect are non-negotiable.
If the band/orchestra is non-negotiable for mom, consider a compromise:
Let it play during cocktail hour, not the main reception.
Include a second act that reflects your taste.
This shows you’re willing to honour family traditions—without sacrificing your own.
This wedding is one day. Your marriage is a lifetime. Use this moment to practice the kind of communication, boundary-setting, and mutual respect that will serve you for years to come.
And if you’re still feeling like you’re being steamrolled? You’re not alone. Many couples face this. The key is to stay grounded, stay kind, and stay firm.
Weddings are emotional terrain. But they’re also a mirror of how couples navigate life together. If you feel unheard now, speak up—not with anger, but with intention.
Because your love story deserves to be celebrated in a way that reflects both of you.
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